Eva Weisberg, January 2011
This article is a companion piece to my earlier piece Bulletproof Seduction, available on our website or from the menu to the right. While that one was aimed at men, what I want to say in this article applies to both men and women.
In the previous article I talked about confidence as the most trusted seduction technique. Girls adore truly confident men, and it must be said that most men would prefer a confident girl to a shy mouse.
So far so good! But there's one thing I should say. I've noticed that there are two main types of real confidence — and one disastrous mistake. Let's call the types of real confidence "calm confidence" and "loud confidence". We'll get to the mistake in a bit.
Calm confidence can be described as the natural state of a person who is content with himself no matter what. Looks, money, achievements… none of it matters for these lucky people. They love and respect themselves regardless. Not many people at all are like this. Seriously, humanity is so riddled with neuroses that a calmly confidence person can have his pick. But don't be mislead. These people might easily be introverts — they don't need need a huge amount of friends and crazy parties each week; they're quite happy with themselves and don't need a lot of stuff going on around them. But when we as girls meet a person like this we feel extremely
comfortable and attracted to them. And this is true whether they are introverted or extroverted. (The same goes the other way round, by the way. When men meet a girl who is calmly confident they feel comfortable and attracted to her, even if they can't explain why. It's just how we're all built.)
Note for the boys: intelligent, arty girls are most likely to be strongly attracted to this type. They're likely to belong to it, too.
Loud confidence is much more straightforward to describe. Imagine a person who is always talking, laughing and smiling; whether in a good or a bad mood he is always voicing an opinion without fear of judgement, leading conversations or cracking jokes. He or she is the centre of any company. I am sure you know several people like this! Loud confidence can sometimes be mistaken for arrogance, and for trying too hard to be cool. The difference is that real confidence comes from the heart, and not from vain attempts to be noticed!
Note: excitable, fun-loving girls are most likely to be strongly attracted to this type, and to belong to it.
Both of these confidence types are extremely attractive, to everyone.
I touched on the "mistake" here, too: arrogance. Loud confidence can be mistaken for arrogance and arrogance for loud confidence, but they're very different things. An arrogant man is not a turn-on except for particular girls, generally with low self-esteem and probable issues of their own. A puffed up sense of self-importance and an air of contempt for people around you is not confidence. It's arrogance, and it's horrible for everyone around you. When you're judging your own style, review each evening at the end of the night. If you could honestly imagine enjoying being in your own company, if you don't feel you put anyone down needlessly or puffed yourself up, you probably weren't arrogant. It's vital you do this honestly! If you have been arrogant, you have to change that, because it's seriously unsexy.
If you work on building your confidence, following any of the many excellent published guides, you will end up in one or the other of these camps. Which one you'll end up in comes entirely from you! It's not something you can easily control. If you tend towards calm confidence but try to be loud, you're likely to come across as arrogant and forced. If you tend towards loud confidence but try to be quiet you're liable to look moody and sullen. The James Dean look turns a lot of girls on — but that's just a covered version of loud confidence! The lonely rebel is never afraid to voice his opinion or control the conversation with the few he lets in. Simply being moody and sullen makes you no fun to be around.
No, allow yourself to develop towards your own true confident state. As I've emphasised so often, honesty is always the best policy, especially with yourself!
Eva is the author of Get a Girl - by a Girl.
