So, what do you think this is? Let me guess what you guessed: lack of sex, lack of conversation, spending too much time together, or spending too much time apart? Most people assume it's one of these. Some commitment-phobic people might even suggest in the face of evidence that marriage ruins any relationship.
True, each of these ideas has some good justification behind it, but none of them are that greatest fatal mistake that is guaranteed to ruin a relationship quickly and surely.
What is guaranteed to wreck your relationship is this: criticism.
Criticism is a powerful and a dangerous game to play. Every time you criticise your partner you take another inevitable step towards breaking up. It doesn't really matter why, or even what, you criticise — you might honestly think that you're giving good advice without paying attention to the form in which you present it; you might be disappointed with your partner and want them to know it; or you might even be upset with yourself and taking it out on them.
Look around you: people seriously criticise one-another every day, taking those little steps towards ruining their friendships and their relationships. They often don't realise how destructive it is until it is too late. It's a sad truth that love, friendships, all human relationships, are vulnerable even if they don't look like they should be. And it's true that a little smile can go a long way — but a careless word can hurt someone so deeply that they'll remember it forever.
I firmly believe that relationships with other people are the most precious thing we possess. We are human, and humans are intensely social creatures. Money, jobs and an increasingly-overfull pile of belongings can never give us the same satisfaction as a good conversation with a friend, an amazing night out with your beloved, or playing with your child. I once heard some good advice: do something little, every day, to improve and strengthen your relationships with other people. Remembering to do this it will be easier to avoid dishing out unnecessary criticism and learning how to put your real advice, or your concerns and disappointments, in a much safer, more productive, constructive form.
Perhaps you're a strong, determined person. This is most likely one of the reason that you criticise your partner so much. Here are several easy steps to take to minimise, or avoid entirely, the negative impact of your criticisms:
- Think what exactly is wrong at the moment. Why are you being critical? Is it something your partner has done? Or are you just unhappy in general? Maybe it's something else? In any case, try to find the reason and then suggest that you and your partner sit down and talk it through, calmly. It might be difficult at that very moment, but see it as an investment in your future — and as a constructive exercise to improve your character.
- A fairly common piece of advice that, unlike much common knowledge, works is to talk about your own feelings and not about whatever he or she is meant to have done wrong. For example, instead of saying "You're late again! I hate it when you're late!" you can say something like. "Every time you're late it makes me feel neglected". This softens the impact while still getting your message across.
- Remember that people are extremely unlikely to change as a result of criticism. We all take criticism very personally — that's understandable — and we all turn on our defence mechanisms. This means that you won't achieve very much through criticism; instead, you'll only make your target and yourself more wound up. Persuasion and compromise — not nagging! — is a much better approach in the long run.
- Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. How do you think they are feeling, right now, while you're criticising them? Learn to be compassionate and understanding.
- Don't forget that absolutely everything you're saying can also be said in a much softer, friendlier manner. This will have better results, too.
So what should you do if you're the one being criticised?
- Don't take the criticism as a sign of your own unworthiness. Do your best not to take it personally and start thinking that you're a failure. In many cases, the person who is criticising you is trying to solve their own problems — for many people criticising others is a way to let off steam. Only rarely is criticism a sign of your own problems.
- Don't criticise back! Conversations built on mutual offense will get you nowhere. Try and avoid saying things like, "But you also do this or that", because this way it can go on forever without addressing the real issues behind. This urge is very difficult to resist — it's a natural part of our defence mechanisms and the impulse to justify, and to attack in return, is strong when you feel criticised. But it simply isn't helpful, and it certainly isn't effective. Similarly, don't simply reply with outright anger. You won't diffuse the situation by picking a fight.
- Ask for more information, for clarification. "I want to be sure I understand what you're saying. I respect your advice and value you as a person. Did you mean to say…" While this is liable to cause extra irritation it is a more constructive approach than simply clamming up or fighting.
- Make individual exceptions! Sometimes a person criticising you is actually giving you good advice — just in an aggressive, unwelcome manner. (Perhaps this is even due to their own poor social skills; however, now is probably not the best time to point this out to them if you want to improve the situation.) In this case the criticism could provide motivation for you to improve. Listen to it attentively, honestly take it on board, and then ask them politely not to be as harsh next time they want to offer their advice.
- Honestly explain the reason for your actions. Human memory is revisionist — sometimes it's tempting to re-characterise your actual feelings and motives, to portray yourself in a better light or because you feel it will sound better. But in the long run, doing so just further complicates matters. And ultimately it becomes difficult, or even impossible, to have an honest exchange. How can you admit that you simply lied? Lie once, and you'll have to continue to lie forever.
- Keep in mind the saying by the Greek philosopher, Aristotle, "Criticism is something we can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." If you are being criticised, it means you are moving forward and getting noticed! Criticism can be proof of your accomplishments.
And finally, remember that there is only one real danger in either love or friendship — and that is to lose it forever. Imagine how life would be without your friend or beloved. Maybe the good they bring into your life is so much more important than those little things about them that annoy you. In most cases it is. After all, we all have our annoying little habits. Try to keep this in mind next time you feel like criticising someone.
A condensed version of this article was included in the book Get a Girl — by a Girl available from http://www.thedreamlifebooks.com or for the Kindle from Amazon at Amazon USA and Amazon UK.
