Calm, Loud and Arrogant

Eva Weisberg, January 2011

This article is a companion piece to my earlier piece Bulletproof Seduction, available on our website or from the menu to the right. While that one was aimed at men, what I want to say in this article applies to both men and women.

In the previous article I talked about confidence as the most trusted seduction technique. Girls adore truly confident men, and it must be said that most men would prefer a confident girl to a shy mouse.

So far so good! But there's one thing I should say. I've noticed that there are two main types of real confidence — and one disastrous mistake. Let's call the types of real confidence "calm confidence" and "loud confidence". We'll get to the mistake in a bit.

Calm confidence can be described as the natural state of a person who is content with himself no matter what. Looks, money, achievements… none of it matters for these lucky people. They love and respect themselves regardless. Not many people at all are like this. Seriously, humanity is so riddled with neuroses that a calmly confidence person can have his pick. But don't be mislead. These people might easily be introverts — they don't need need a huge amount of friends and crazy parties each week; they're quite happy with themselves and don't need a lot of stuff going on around them. But when we as girls meet a person like this we feel extremely
comfortable and attracted to them. And this is true whether they are introverted or extroverted. (The same goes the other way round, by the way. When men meet a girl who is calmly confident they feel comfortable and attracted to her, even if they can't explain why. It's just how we're all built.)

Note for the boys: intelligent, arty girls are most likely to be strongly attracted to this type. They're likely to belong to it, too.

Loud confidence is much more straightforward to describe. Imagine a person who is always talking, laughing and smiling; whether in a good or a bad mood he is always voicing an opinion without fear of judgement, leading conversations or cracking jokes. He or she is the centre of any company. I am sure you know several people like this! Loud confidence can sometimes be mistaken for arrogance, and for trying too hard to be cool. The difference is that real confidence comes from the heart, and not from vain attempts to be noticed!

Note: excitable, fun-loving girls are most likely to be strongly attracted to this type, and to belong to it.

Both of these confidence types are extremely attractive, to everyone.

I touched on the "mistake" here, too: arrogance. Loud confidence can be mistaken for arrogance and arrogance for loud confidence, but they're very different things. An arrogant man is not a turn-on except for particular girls, generally with low self-esteem and probable issues of their own. A puffed up sense of self-importance and an air of contempt for people around you is not confidence. It's arrogance, and it's horrible for everyone around you. When you're judging your own style, review each evening at the end of the night. If you could honestly imagine enjoying being in your own company, if you don't feel you put anyone down needlessly or puffed yourself up, you probably weren't arrogant. It's vital you do this honestly! If you have been arrogant, you have to change that, because it's seriously unsexy.

If you work on building your confidence, following any of the many excellent published guides, you will end up in one or the other of these camps. Which one you'll end up in comes entirely from you! It's not something you can easily control. If you tend towards calm confidence but try to be loud, you're likely to come across as arrogant and forced. If you tend towards loud confidence but try to be quiet you're liable to look moody and sullen. The James Dean look turns a lot of girls on — but that's just a covered version of loud confidence! The lonely rebel is never afraid to voice his opinion or control the conversation with the few he lets in. Simply being moody and sullen makes you no fun to be around.

No, allow yourself to develop towards your own true confident state. As I've emphasised so often, honesty is always the best policy, especially with yourself!

Eva is the author of Get a Girl - by a Girl.

Bulletproof Seduction

Eva Weisberg, January 2011

Do you want to know a bullet-proof seduction technique that really works in every situation? That can be guaranteed to hook women left, right and centre? What do you think it might be? Unusual, unique pick-up lines that will attract her attention for sure? Generosity and a sense of humour? Those secret tricks you heard about before which didn't seem to work? No. The real big secret is simple: Confidence! Confidence can take you anywhere and help you reach heights you never dreamed possible. Simple confidence will attract the girl you want — guaranteed.

You might wonder, why exactly is it that confidence is so important? Well, for a start, how many confident people do you know? Most people have issues that they can't hide, or don't even bother trying to. They make belittling jokes about themselves (hiding it as "self-deprecation"), slouch, try to seem cool and arrogant… That's not confident! It's no surprise that guys who are sincerely confident attract girls like magnets! Most guys (and girls) are far from confident, and if you manage to be so you will easily become the most desirable person for miles around. Even better, you merely need to act confident. If you do it well enough, no-one will know the difference — and it will soon help you build real confidence anyway.

Girls are attracted to confidence like crazy and I will never stop emphasizing it enough. You don't need muscles, amazing looks, lots of money, or awesome achievements in sports or at work to be hugely successful with women. Sure, it all helps, but it's not a must. What you really need like air is confidence. Girls are attracted to it because it is a rare, and a damned sexy, quality. Because it makes them feel special and protected to be around a confident guy. And because we all want to be close to confident people, men or women! Confident people get amazing results in their love lives, careers and other achievements than "normal" people. They get more of everything in this life. Once you have realized it and tried it out, you will be amazed at the results, I promise you. I don't like empty promises. The internet is stuffed full of them. But confidence is the real thing. Everybody craves it, and everybody craves a confident partner.

Now, what do you do with this information? Apply it to all areas of your life as soon as possible! I don't just want you to apply it to your love life. Don't just work on boosting your confidence when you approach a girl at a bar and offer to buy her a drink. I want that, too, but you can do so much more! Imagine how nice it will be to never have those mountains of worry and uncomfortable moments again! It has
been proven that certain exercises and manners of thinking can boost your confidence in a short period of time — no more than months, and possibly much less.

By now you must have realized how important confidence is. It's something that's worth reminding yourself time and time again. If I could choose only one "trick" to make someone fall in love with me, it would be confidence. Because it's pretty much the only "trick" that's reliable.

If you want to learn more about confidence and how to grow it in yourself, there is a wealth of material available. For building general confidence I would recommend in particular Paul McKenna's book "Instant Confidence". I go into more detail on other exercises and the importance of confidence in building relationships in my book Get a Girl — by a Girl, also available for the Amazon Kindle at Amazon USA and Amazon UK.

The Biggest Mistake that Ruins any Relationship — and How to Fix it Now!

Eva Weisberg, December 2010


So, what do you think this is? Let me guess what you guessed: lack of sex, lack of conversation, spending too much time together, or spending too much time apart? Most people assume it's one of these. Some commitment-phobic people might even suggest in the face of evidence that marriage ruins any relationship.

True, each of these ideas has some good justification behind it, but none of them are that greatest fatal mistake that is guaranteed to ruin a relationship quickly and surely.

What is guaranteed to wreck your relationship is this: criticism.

Criticism is a powerful and a dangerous game to play. Every time you criticise your partner you take another inevitable step towards breaking up. It doesn't really matter why, or even what, you criticise — you might honestly think that you're giving good advice without paying attention to the form in which you present it; you might be disappointed with your partner and want them to know it; or you might even be upset with yourself and taking it out on them.

Look around you: people seriously criticise one-another every day, taking those little steps towards ruining their friendships and their relationships. They often don't realise how destructive it is until it is too late. It's a sad truth that love, friendships, all human relationships, are vulnerable even if they don't look like they should be. And it's true that a little smile can go a long way — but a careless word can hurt someone so deeply that they'll remember it forever.

I firmly believe that relationships with other people are the most precious thing we possess. We are human, and humans are intensely social creatures. Money, jobs and an increasingly-overfull pile of belongings can never give us the same satisfaction as a good conversation with a friend, an amazing night out with your beloved, or playing with your child. I once heard some good advice: do something little, every day, to improve and strengthen your relationships with other people. Remembering to do this it will be easier to avoid dishing out unnecessary criticism and learning how to put your real advice, or your concerns and disappointments, in a much safer, more productive, constructive form.

Perhaps you're a strong, determined person. This is most likely one of the reason that you criticise your partner so much. Here are several easy steps to take to minimise, or avoid entirely, the negative impact of your criticisms:

1. Think what exactly is wrong at the moment. Why are you being critical? Is it something your partner has done? Or are you just unhappy in general? Maybe it's something else? In any case, try to find the reason and then suggest that you and your partner sit down and talk it through, calmly. It might be difficult at that very moment, but see it as an investment in your future — and as a constructive exercise to improve your character.
2. A fairly common piece of advice that, unlike much common knowledge, works is to talk about your own feelings and not about whatever he or she is meant to have done wrong. For example, instead of saying "You're late again! I hate it when you're late!" you can say something like. "Every time you're late it makes me feel neglected". This softens the impact while still getting your message across.
3. Remember that people are extremely unlikely to change as a result of criticism. We all take criticism very personally — that's understandable — and we all turn on our defence mechanisms. This means that you won't achieve very much through criticism; instead, you'll only make your target and yourself more wound up. Persuasion and compromise — not nagging! — is a much better approach in the long run.
4. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. How do you think they are feeling, right now, while you're criticising them? Learn to be compassionate and understanding.
5. Don't forget that absolutely everything you're saying can also be said in a much softer, friendlier manner. This will have better results, too.

So what should you do if you're the one being criticised?

1. Don't take the criticism as a sign of your own unworthiness. Do your best not to take it personally and start thinking that you're a failure. In many cases, the person who is criticising you is trying to solve their own problems — for many people criticising others is a way to let off steam. Only rarely is criticism a sign of your own problems.
2. Don't criticise back! Conversations built on mutual offense will get you nowhere. Try and avoid saying things like, "But you also do this or that", because this way it can go on forever without addressing the real issues behind. This urge is very difficult to resist — it's a natural part of our defence mechanisms and the impulse to justify, and to attack in return, is strong when you feel criticised. But it simply isn't helpful, and it certainly isn't effective. Similarly, don't simply reply with outright anger. You won't diffuse the situation by picking a fight.
3. Ask for more information, for clarification. "I want to be sure I understand what you're saying. I respect your advice and value you as a person. Did you mean to say…" While this is liable to cause extra irritation it is a more constructive approach than simply clamming up or fighting.
4. Make individual exceptions! Sometimes a person criticising you is actually giving you good advice — just in an aggressive, unwelcome manner. (Perhaps this is even due to their own poor social skills; however, now is probably not the best time to point this out to them if you want to improve the situation.) In this case the criticism could provide motivation for you to improve. Listen to it attentively, honestly take it on board, and then ask them politely not to be as harsh next time they want to offer their advice.
5. Honestly explain the reason for your actions. Human memory is revisionist — sometimes it's tempting to re-characterise your actual feelings and motives, to portray yourself in a better light or because you feel it will sound better. But in the long run, doing so just further complicates matters. And ultimately it becomes difficult, or even impossible, to have an honest exchange. How can you admit that you simply lied? Lie once, and you'll have to continue to lie forever.
6. Keep in mind the saying by the Greek philosopher, Aristotle, "Criticism is something we can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." If you are being criticised, it means you are moving forward and getting noticed! Criticism can be proof of your accomplishments.

And finally, remember that there is only one real danger in either love or friendship — and that is to lose it forever. Imagine how life would be without your friend or beloved. Maybe the good they bring into your life is so much more important than those little things about them that annoy you. In most cases it is. After all, we all have our annoying little habits. Try to keep this in mind next time you feel like criticising someone.



A condensed version of this article was included in the book Get a Girl — by a Girl available from http://www.thedreamlifebooks.com or for the Kindle from Amazon at Amazon USA and Amazon UK.